Will I be a good doctor? Reflections on the approach to clinical school

This is a post regarding my course (so no decisions on blog themes just yet!), and a niggling worry that's been creeping up on me more and more as I progress through medical school. As a third year, I've just sent off my application for clinical school, and as the reality of seeing patients in hospitals and GP practices draws ever nearer, there is a part of me that reacts with fear that I won't be the competent, approachable physician I want and need to be.

I don't know whether it's the fact that at Oxford there's a clear pre-clinial/clinical divide, or whether it's just that I've always been something of a bookworm, but I'm feeling really unprepared for what is a vocational profession. Don't get me wrong - I still very much want to be a doctor because of the job; in fact, I have become more and more glad that I chose medicine over a more academic subject at university as the years have gone by. I am glad that when I finish my degree, I'll have the chance to immediately contribute to society in a useful way. However, I'm scared that somehow I will throw that chance away, though not for want of trying!

I'm sure there's plenty of other people feeling this way though, and I'm sure that the clinical course at Oxford (which I am hopeful I will receive a place on) prepares students well for their future careers in the health service. However, that won't stop me from feeling daunted when I first have to go on the wards - I'm sure I'll be much more nervous of the patients than they will be of me!

I suppose that the real crux of this problem though, isn't my sociability - it's my forgetfulness. The one quality I have that I really feel could jeopardize my future professional life is my scatter-brained-ness - it has cost me fairly dearly in the past, and always strikes when I least expect it. This shortcoming of mine - to become distracted and forget about things - terrifies me in the context of clinical school. I can only hope that I overcome it somehow, and thereby don't put any lives at risk.

On a more positive note, I guess such shifts are what clinical school is all about! Regardless of my nerves, I'm really looking forward to it. :)

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