Catholic polyamory?
This is by far the most controversial post I've written in a while. Normally, I try to keep each blog post that I write relevant to one particular interest of mine, and in my discussion I tend to stick fairly closely to that one interest. In reality however, I think a lot about how my different interests relate to each other, and in this case I'm particularly interested in how two concepts as diverse as Roman Catholicism and polyamory (the practice of having multiple intimate relationships) might happily co-exist without either compromising the spirit (or substance) of the other.
My interest in polyamory stems from a number of sources - the BBC has recently run an article and a Radio 4 programme on polyamoury in which they discuss the experiences of a number of people in alternative relationships, as well as potential reasons to adopt polyamory and/or to doubt monogamy. In addition, I have several good friends who have expressed interest in polyamory, and have caused me to do a considerable amount of thinking on the subject. My own background and beliefs are steadfastly Roman Catholic, and I have moved from a liberal towards a more orthodox position over the past couple of years. Now, the catechism of the Church is quite clear when it comes to sex and how it should be used - as many Catholic commentators (and the Pope!) have said, this catechism discriminates on the basis of behaviour, not thought or identity. The catechism also crucially differentiates between love and lust. Whereas lust is seen as leading to sinful behaviour, love is almost defined as goodness - in the famous letter of Paul that is so often read at wedding ceremonies, we hear that it possesses important virtues:
"Love is patients, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
It is important to bear in mind that though the above passage is read at weddings, at which the implied love is between the couple about to be married, the love which Paul refers to does not necessarily have to be between two 'lovers', or even of a romantic nature. Parents love their children. Children love their parents. People love their siblings and relations and friends. All of these kinds of love lead to good in the world, and Catholic teaching presents no objection to any of these forms of love, with good reason.
With this in mind, does polyamory have to be sexual in nature? The answer is, of course, that it doesn't. Polyamory can simply mean an acknowledgement and expression of deep platonic love shared between a number of people. This, in my view, is entirely within Church teaching - in fact, it is endorsed by Church teaching. Such polyamorous relationships may occur among people who are celibate, or who are in a marital relationship.
But now that I've outlined the above model, the question arises... is this model important? Sure, it's compatible with Church teaching, but more importantly, what can we learn from it? Well, I think that non-sexual polygamy of the kind I'm advocating is actually a call for us to value our friends more. A great many people in our society, including me (and probably, this applies to you reading this blog) are blessed to have people who go out of their way to exchange friendship with us, and there is always more we can do to appreciate such people. Non-sexual polygamy is a wonderful way to achieve this, and can be expressed in a great many practical ways; we could make a point to spend time talking to and hugging our close friends, to tell them how much they mean to us and how much we love them. We could take more time out to comfort them when they are sad. We could celebrate more with them when they are happy. In short, if they would let us, we could become a more integrated part of their lives, all the while preserving important and unique aspects of whichever vocation we happen to be following, whether that's marriage, the priesthood, religious orders or single life. Valuing friends more in this way cannot detract from e.g. a married relationship in my eyes. If anything, loving our friends makes us in a more loving state of mind, and makes us more loved - both of these things are absolutely necessary for marital love.
So, the polyamory community can actually act as a (perhaps surprising) source of inspiration and wisdom, even for followers of conservative Catholicism. In a way, many of us as Catholics living in western societies are living in accordance with the social models which we see around us - these tend to clearly separate love out for sexual relationships with one's partner, and use the concept of friendship in partnership with comparatively cold feelings. As Catholics however, I don't think we should live in this way - the only challenge is finding people who agree with that sentiment. As Catholics, we are called to love our friends, and sometimes I worry that we are in danger of forgetting this.
Of course, there's something I've left out so far, something that's no doubt in the mind of the reader. Devoted platonic relationships with close friends leads to temptation to create sexual relationships, and this is against teachings upheld by the Church. All Catholics must reconcile themselves with the Magisterium on these issues one way or another, but for a Catholic who chooses celibacy optionally followed by a marital relationship, the path I am advocating no doubt causes problems - it could be argued that it causes temptation to sin. Clearly, it's a difficult line to toe. Such a situation presents challenges - but then, so do countless other situations we may encounter in our lives. The real question is whether such a choice is feasible for any given individual, and whether such a lifestyle can be carried out honestly and in good conscience. Perhaps (and here I may sound even more controversial) a compromise may be in order, even if we doubt our ability to adhere to the demands of such a lifestyle. Is it more important to love, or to put oneself in danger (or even likelihood) of sinning? I wish there were clear answers on this and other matters, and yet, as I examine my conscience, the will of God and the will of the Church, I find clear judgement wanting.
My interest in polyamory stems from a number of sources - the BBC has recently run an article and a Radio 4 programme on polyamoury in which they discuss the experiences of a number of people in alternative relationships, as well as potential reasons to adopt polyamory and/or to doubt monogamy. In addition, I have several good friends who have expressed interest in polyamory, and have caused me to do a considerable amount of thinking on the subject. My own background and beliefs are steadfastly Roman Catholic, and I have moved from a liberal towards a more orthodox position over the past couple of years. Now, the catechism of the Church is quite clear when it comes to sex and how it should be used - as many Catholic commentators (and the Pope!) have said, this catechism discriminates on the basis of behaviour, not thought or identity. The catechism also crucially differentiates between love and lust. Whereas lust is seen as leading to sinful behaviour, love is almost defined as goodness - in the famous letter of Paul that is so often read at wedding ceremonies, we hear that it possesses important virtues:
"Love is patients, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
It is important to bear in mind that though the above passage is read at weddings, at which the implied love is between the couple about to be married, the love which Paul refers to does not necessarily have to be between two 'lovers', or even of a romantic nature. Parents love their children. Children love their parents. People love their siblings and relations and friends. All of these kinds of love lead to good in the world, and Catholic teaching presents no objection to any of these forms of love, with good reason.
With this in mind, does polyamory have to be sexual in nature? The answer is, of course, that it doesn't. Polyamory can simply mean an acknowledgement and expression of deep platonic love shared between a number of people. This, in my view, is entirely within Church teaching - in fact, it is endorsed by Church teaching. Such polyamorous relationships may occur among people who are celibate, or who are in a marital relationship.
But now that I've outlined the above model, the question arises... is this model important? Sure, it's compatible with Church teaching, but more importantly, what can we learn from it? Well, I think that non-sexual polygamy of the kind I'm advocating is actually a call for us to value our friends more. A great many people in our society, including me (and probably, this applies to you reading this blog) are blessed to have people who go out of their way to exchange friendship with us, and there is always more we can do to appreciate such people. Non-sexual polygamy is a wonderful way to achieve this, and can be expressed in a great many practical ways; we could make a point to spend time talking to and hugging our close friends, to tell them how much they mean to us and how much we love them. We could take more time out to comfort them when they are sad. We could celebrate more with them when they are happy. In short, if they would let us, we could become a more integrated part of their lives, all the while preserving important and unique aspects of whichever vocation we happen to be following, whether that's marriage, the priesthood, religious orders or single life. Valuing friends more in this way cannot detract from e.g. a married relationship in my eyes. If anything, loving our friends makes us in a more loving state of mind, and makes us more loved - both of these things are absolutely necessary for marital love.
So, the polyamory community can actually act as a (perhaps surprising) source of inspiration and wisdom, even for followers of conservative Catholicism. In a way, many of us as Catholics living in western societies are living in accordance with the social models which we see around us - these tend to clearly separate love out for sexual relationships with one's partner, and use the concept of friendship in partnership with comparatively cold feelings. As Catholics however, I don't think we should live in this way - the only challenge is finding people who agree with that sentiment. As Catholics, we are called to love our friends, and sometimes I worry that we are in danger of forgetting this.
Of course, there's something I've left out so far, something that's no doubt in the mind of the reader. Devoted platonic relationships with close friends leads to temptation to create sexual relationships, and this is against teachings upheld by the Church. All Catholics must reconcile themselves with the Magisterium on these issues one way or another, but for a Catholic who chooses celibacy optionally followed by a marital relationship, the path I am advocating no doubt causes problems - it could be argued that it causes temptation to sin. Clearly, it's a difficult line to toe. Such a situation presents challenges - but then, so do countless other situations we may encounter in our lives. The real question is whether such a choice is feasible for any given individual, and whether such a lifestyle can be carried out honestly and in good conscience. Perhaps (and here I may sound even more controversial) a compromise may be in order, even if we doubt our ability to adhere to the demands of such a lifestyle. Is it more important to love, or to put oneself in danger (or even likelihood) of sinning? I wish there were clear answers on this and other matters, and yet, as I examine my conscience, the will of God and the will of the Church, I find clear judgement wanting.
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